Fine. I'll sleep in my office
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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