I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
