Got a toothbrush?
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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