Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
