allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I faked an abortion last night.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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