when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I cockslap morals
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
