I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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