I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
