and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
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