Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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