I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Randomize
