I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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