Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
