mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
