Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
