my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
