I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
