I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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