We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
