A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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