my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
