I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
How's work?
Spinning.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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