she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
