True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
