There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
She just used a chaser for red wine.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
