its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
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