Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
