Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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