And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Edward fifth and chaser hands
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
