I'm so fucking centered right now
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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