if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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