i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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