My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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