I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
