i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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