sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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