my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
