if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
