I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
