i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
