You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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