dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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