As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
