My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
