Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
