the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
