Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
