you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
