Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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