She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
