Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
